Sibling Week

This week is my daughter Avery's birthday week.  She is a Halloween baby and is turning seven on Thursday.  Hearing loss affects our whole family-- we are all changed, mostly for the better, because we have Ella and Wyatt to give us perspective.  Avery is growing up as the firstborn Muse and as the only hearing sibling in the mix.  She may, in fact, have enlarged vestibular aqueducts, but she has never had an MRI to check it out and, luckily for her, she has never had any trouble with her hearing.  Such is the way with that condition-- you can actually live with it your whole life and then all of a sudden have a change in your hearing or you can always retain your typical hearing status. Hard to predict.  For now, though, Avery continues to describe herself as having "dog hearing", which is basically true.  She hears very soft sounds at very high frequencies, which makes her a little off the charts in terms of what she can hear.  My audiologist warned me never to whisper around her because she is likely to hear me anyway.

You would think this would make her journey easier than that of her two siblings.  Let's be honest, every kid with siblings has to share their parents and their home and their attention and love with their brothers and sisters.  However, Miss A has had to deal with an all consuming life of her parents' worry about Ella, and now Wyatt, since she was two-and-a-half years old.  That kind of life for a small child does not come without sacrifice and challenges.

When Ella was first diagnosed, I remember wanting Avery to immediately be able to appreciate her ability to hear and to sympathize with her sister's lack thereof.  I would secretly be irritated by the fact that she continued to throw tantrums and complain about not getting what she wanted all the time.  I mean, after all, why would she complain about anything at all-- she is the HEARING child. She should be immediately grateful and kind and giving all the time just because her sister was born deaf, right?  Silly me.  This Profound life is as much of a process for her as it is for us and she is just a kid.  The best thing to do is not expect too much from her and to respect that she still has all of the same sibling rivalry feelings that every kid has.  And she is entitled.

The fact is that Avery has come a long way into her own understanding of childhood hearing loss. I will never forget when she started out believing that all babies came with hearing aids (kind of like bottles and diapers) and would tell elaborate tales about what life was like for her when she had her own fictitious hearing aids as a baby. When she was four, she would feign hearing loss so that she could go to the audiologist and get some extra attention, and maybe be lucky enough to get her very own pair of hearing aids.  Now, I find her mimicking me in how I talk about Ella's implants or Wyatt's  progressive loss with neighbors, friends, and people on the street.  She reflects exactly what I say, word for word. Again, I have to watch what I say around her.


I believe that this experience is making her a more empathetic person.  Maybe not every minute of every day, but in the long-term scheme of her life. Did you know that an alarming percentage of children who grow up with a sibling with a significant disability go into helping professions related to their sibling's condition?  I imagine that she will be a talented ENT or Audiologist or Special Education Teacher or Speech Pathologist someday. Or maybe she will choose something completely different.  She is her own person and it will be fascinating to watch how she translates her sibling experience into her adult life.

 

In honor of all of the hearing siblings that are growing up with sisters or brothers who are deaf or hard of hearing, I am declaring this week on my blog my official "Sibling Week".  I am remembering to recognize sibling struggles and strengths by honoring Avery and purposely NOT the other kids this week.

Last week, she was the star student in her first grade class, referred to as the "Best Buddy of the Week" by her particular teacher.  The kids in her class focused on her the whole week.  She worked really hard on a poster where she got to tell the other kids all about herself.  We printed off special pictures of her doing her favorite things and hanging out with her family and friends.  On Friday, I was privileged to attend her fabulous parent-teacher conference where I was blown away by the positive review of her work and her behavior in class.  Her teacher had wonderful things to say about her.  The only ding was really the fact that her perfectionism gets in the way sometimes and can build up to a meltdown when she can no longer bear the frustration of being human.  She is definitely a first child.  And MY child.

Below is the letter that I was asked to write about her to culminate the week.  I sent it in a sealed envelope and she read it out loud for the entire class on Friday.  Happy Seventh Birthday, Miss A.  We love you more than words can say.

Dear Miss A:
Congratulations on being the Best Buddy of the week!  How exciting for you!  I have enjoyed learning more about you this week including that your new favorite color is light blue.  That makes Daddy happy because it is the same color as the Tar Heels! In our family, we love to watch North Carolina basketball!  Go Heels! I was a little surprised to hear that you have a new favorite color, though. All your life you have loved the colors pink and orange, but I guess you are growing up and your taste is changing.  I can’t believe you are going to be seven in a few days!


Watching you grow up has been so wonderful.  We love you so much and are so proud of all that you have become:  a songwriter, an artist, a piano player, a cheerleader, a dancer, a star student and especially a great friend.  When you were in preschool, you made friends with Rylee by lying next to her in a crib during a parade at school.  Ms. Tozier and I put you two down together and then we were talking to each other and we suddenly heard Rylee crying.  We had no idea what started the crying.  You were smiling a big grin.  Later, I looked at the video that I took of the parade and saw that you had reached over and tried to “love” on Rylee a little too much and grabbed her ear, which made her cry.  I know that you did not mean to hurt her but were trying to learn about her and make friends.  It was so nice to see you standing up for her and bonding with her all through preschool.  It takes a strong-hearted girl to always stick by her friends.  But you are not afraid to do hard things! I think you and Rylee will be friends forever.  I love that you have also made lots of new friends at East Side and in our new neighborhood, too!

 I love that you stand up for the people you love. My friend Judy talks about the first time she met you when we went to a conference in Florida.  Something had gone wrong with Ella's implant while you were in the kids room with her and they sent Judy in to help figure out the problem.  The problem was easy to fix-- her little magnet had just come off.  However, the real problem was that you were standing guard over her and not letting anyone get too close without approval from you.  In our family, our hearing and speech is a special gift—and you have the gift of both!  Your sister and brother will really be lucky to have you to teach other people about their hearing differences. You have learned so much about hearing loss! What a great big sister you are to them.  Thank you for taking care of Wyatt and Ella and watching over them.

You have always been a spirited little girl and sometimes it surprises us, but we know that it will take you far because you will always go after what you want.  When you were little, you never wanted to get dressed in the morning.  That is still true, right? One time when you were one, I had to really work hard to get you into your clothes.  I put you down to get my work computer and my purse.  Then, I turned back around after just a few seconds and you had your coat and hat and shoes off and you were working on taking off your socks.  I had to start all over again!  That is funny to me when I think about it.

Daddy always tells everyone how smart you are.  He loves  to tell people that you knew who all of the American Presidents were when you were just two and a half years old.  He had a big poster with all of the Presidents’ pictures on it and he would work with you on memorizing the names that went with each picture.  In just a couple of weeks, you were able to name all of the Presidents on the poster even though you could not read yet!  Very impressive!

Here are some other things that I love about watching you grow up:

I love to watch you cheer and dance!

I love to watch you learn to swim!

I love to hear you sing your songs that you write!

I love the hugs you give us!

I love to see how much you like to learn in school!

I love your smile and your strawberry blonde hair!

I love when you are silly with us!

I love to see you draw an amazing picture—like the ones in the dog book that you made in kindergarten!

I love all that you are and all that you are growing up to be!

You are my special first born girl!

Daddy and I love you very much.

Keep up all the good work and keep being sweet forever!

Love,

Mommy

xoxo